I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
