fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you will always have a special place in my vag
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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