I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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