I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dignity is for republicans.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
