My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
