I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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