I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
