Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
