big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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