thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
