Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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