Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The uberlube is also flammable
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
