you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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