you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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