this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
