so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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