she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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