We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
