What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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