apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
