Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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