i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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