Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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