He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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