Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
