Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
