apparently the secret to your success is patron
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
