Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
