you mean i was at the winter classic?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
