At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
