I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
