Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
