i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
