LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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