Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
