People in love make me want to vomit
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
