Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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