I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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