made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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