9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
