i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
