Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
