Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
