yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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