i love accidental penises.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
