I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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