I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
