she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
