paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
