I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
