so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
