Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
