I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
