Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
